So....

It is 8am on a Saturday morning and I wish I was anywhere but here at work.  But I here I sit just waiting for the few familiar faces I see every Saturday.  It isn't that I don't like my job, I just wish sometimes it was a bit more challenging.  However, for the next 6 months I will be back in school!

Yup!  Work is sending me to school to get my PSW - personal support worker for those who don't know what that is. 

SO look out! I may be the person who has to change your diaper in the near future. pssst...don't tell my agency or school that I will do all I can to avoid that job.  But I guess someone has to have that job, I just am going to try not to.

later......

So here is my rant for the day.

I really hate cyclists who think they are pedestrians.

I mean you can't have it both ways bikers! You can't demand the city to keep certain bike lanes and then NOT follow the rules of the road! Running a red light just cuz you can is wrong. If you bitch about the traffic safety of downtown then follow the signs and lights! I can't say I don't blame YOU for your accidents if you can't be cautious and obey just like your fellow wheels. Don't get me wrong. I am all about the bike and the "save the planet" by not creating more smog and pollution, but like I said bikers need to stop demanding more bike lanes if they don't even use the ones that HAVE been made available to them. Stop putting the blame on the cars and pedestrians, and start taking more responsibility for your actions, for your carelessness!

Be careful out there!

PS. Do not get me started on those adults who think they are keeping yoyr kids safe by putting helmets on them. Good for you, but my GOD put one on your self! No one wants to be responsible for making the child an orphan!!!

So here I sit at work once again.  Waiting for something to happen, anything to happen, anything at all.  But it is all quiet, no one is in crisis, no one needs help with cooking (not that I would be much help in that department) no one needs me.  So I sit. Sit and wait.

Had a bit of a melt down the other day.  I am so sick and tired of nothing working out.  I feel like just when good stuff is within reach something comes along and blocks me from getting my hands on it.  Dammit!  Don't you just want to yell sometimes?  Scream out all the crap that is your life?  Well I would if I was that kind of person, but I am not.  I am more of an introvert.

INTROVERT? 

I have been plagued with this my whole life, and I am sick of it.  My head tells me it is going to be okay if I just step outside myself, but my heart beats so fast, my face gets hot and I retreat.  Don't get me wrong though, I like company, I like hanging out with my friends like CG&CH and SC to name a few.  But I feel like I am a guest at my own party.  I sit back and watch, that is what I feel most comfortable doing, a part of the group but an outsider when it comes to feeling like I am a PART of the group.  I think my friends sense that, as they try to get me into join in the conversation a lot of the time, but my heart starts to race and I feel like all eyes are on me to say something spectacular but nothing interesting comes out instead and the conversation moves on to something else. 

I don't blame anyone for excluding me from anything, because the invites still come in, but for how long?

OK so enough of the pity party, things in the baby making is not running as smoothly as hoped.  We just found out that SB has a cyst 3cm in diameter and we now have to put everything on hold for another month!  SB found out this past Sunday and where was I??? I was at work and not with the most important person in my life, I feel guilty that I wasn't there to give her the hug and support that should have happened.  How do you say what you want over the phone without it sounding like a Hallmark Card??? How can you wipe away the tears and hug the emotion out?  I haven't mastered that yet, I am sure this will not be the last time something like this happens. 

Who knows?

Until next time....

So I had a thought or two after my last post and decided to add another.

So I had my second session with "flipper" so nicknamed by BV.  I am having my doubts about her and her methods.

I want to give her a chance, a chance to help me through my issues, but am having a hard time understanding what she wants me to tell her.

So heres the thing.  She is very body focussed, she says that the body gives us signals that tell us how we deal with certain issues, with everything really.  She would like me to get in touch with those feelings and when I do, we can deal with issues knowing how my body reacts and work around them.  It makes sense, sort of, and I am willing to try but I have become very self conscious of how I act or react to her.  Like is she looking for or watching for signs that she can interpret as me being uncomfortable or whatever?  I don't know how I feel about this recognizing the signs my body makes.  I would much prefer to hide behind a facade and or not be noticed at all.  So I sit and wonder if I can continue with this woman.

I picked her out of the half a dozen others I interviewed to take the place of YH in her absence, and now I am wondering if I made the right choice.  T seems like I should have gone with her, she after all was my second choice.  Now I am conflicted.

what to do? what to do? hmmm

So I am now officially a student again!! whoohoo.  And now the nerves and anxiety sets in.

Ok.  Deep breath in deep breath out....

Registering for the program was the easy part, its is all the reading, writing, listening to lectures that is gonna kick me in the pants.  I am hoping though, doing this program with a co-worker is going to make it a bit easier, and not so stressful.

I am sitting in my; yes I said my, fave Starbucks trying to blog,  but every baby, stroller, buggy, etc etc that comes in is a major distraction.  SB and I are on our second cycle in trying to get pregnant.  And although I am excited I am well aware of the disappointments that may come as a result.  SB tells me that DRP gave her a higher dose of Clomid, so we could be looking at having 12! 12 babies...ahhh.

Ok not really, we are responsible people and we would check into our options be it reduction or to skip this month and wait for next month.  But being aware that reduction could lead to no pregnancies is a scary thought too.  So we wait.

But I definately am looking, watching and taking notes on various things all baby.  Just waiting somewhat patiently for when we are new parents.

until next time....I sign off

It has been a few days since my last blog, and a lot has been going on in my life since then.

So SB and I found out that our pregger test was a big fat Negative! last Wed.   I played the part of the strong support, and I played all cool and positive that this time just wasn't the right time and that lil'Coco had other plans.  But in the inside I was just as disappointed as SB.  And I too went to town with the junk food fest and man, did I dearly pay for it for the next few days.  Being Diabetic it probably wasn't such a good idea to have those huge Slurpees and glazed donuts!  And although the Big Crunch from KFC was delish, I don't know if I knew at the time I would see it again later that day, and I don't know if any of you can relate to the feeling of satisfaction and a sugary high, only to rush off to the W/C shortly after consuming all that goodness.  Well all I can say is YUCK!  I have told myself that I will not and I mean NOT! do this again, even if our next test comes up negatory, perhaps a nice big leafy chunky salad will do???

I found out yesterday that I have been approved for funding for school and am to register today with a colleague!  Whoohoo!  I know that I am stressed about going back to school, but this time is different.  My work is paying! so no student loan to worry about.  Yay!  I just hope that they don't make me sign some contract that makes me stay with the agency for a year or ten!  Cuz, not only are they paying for it and all the books and such, they are paying for my time as well, which means I get PAID to go to school!! Yay me!  Now if I can stop stressing all will be good.

Tonight is the second rehearsal for the choir I belong to, and I am having mixed feelings about it.  A part of me, really missed it for the session I took off, but another part was so glad not to have to be a part of something that made me so miserable.  I certainly love seeing all my friends and eating at OUR place around the block before rehearsal, but I don't miss all the politics and crap that goes on.  Thankfully though, I am no longer on the Board of Directors anymore and maybe I can relax again and just be little ole' me hiding in the alto section, pretending to be singing and enjoying it once again!

I miss YH.  Is it February yet???

'til next time....in the words of a great lady(lol) Good day and "BE GOOD TO ONE ANOTHER" 

The New Girl

So I had my first real session with the new therapist this morning.

Impression?  She was ok.  I am going to find it really hard not to compare her to Y.H though, but that is expected, right??.  Really hard.

I think I can work with her, I just have to get used to her first, and how she works.

 I must say though, I have never been to see a therapist who used flip charts to describe the way the brain works....I was a bit put off by it at first.  But as she explained more about what it all meant and how she incorporates it into her method of therapy the more...... confused I got.  LOL!

But not really.

I have a sense of why the visual was useful.  As I am a very visual person, and seeing her method rather than J.O telling me in her words I KNOW that I would have been lost otherwise.  And then my first impression may have been a lot different.

So there we are sitting in her nicely decorated but cramped office with probably 3 feet between us, her slightly off to the right; I think because at our first meeting I mentioned my need for personal space and my quirk about eye contact.  Anyway, we chatted briefly about what is going on in my life right now, and what Y.H and I were talking about.  And then out came the flip chart.  Oh, and the first of the many check ins.  Checking in as to how I am feeling about being there, how I feel about the process, the flip chart and at least a half a dozen more.  I mean I like that she does that, the whole check in thing, but really? We only have an hour! and not really, 50 mins. once we settle in.

So back to the flip chart.  I suppose she just wanted to get a sense of how I deal with "Trauma" in general???  Interesting but really? she needs a FLIPPING flip chart???.  Anyway, from what I understand she wants to find out how I deal with certain things and how my body reacts to these things, and after knowing the signals, to use that knowledge to deal with the issue???? I think.  Does that make sense?  I suppose if I really think about it, it does.  Just a different way of thinking about my issues and my reactions to them.

Anyway, I left her office feeling not as uncertain about this new therapist and her methods.

And I interestingly and oddly find myself looking forward to our next session.

Note to self.....

Have you ever been in a staff meeting and you were trying with all your might not to fall asleep?

Well that was me today!  And what was worse was that I chose the seat right in front of the director of the agency!  Doh!

I had a super huge cup of Timmies (which I must say was totally gross) and the caffeine in the coffee had to be about a third of what I am used to.  As you all know I am a Starbucks snob.  And very proud too.

Anywhoo, I am darting my eyes all over the room trying to keep them open, I must have looked like a crazed fool if anyone was watching me.  I was listening not to the speaker, but concentrating very hard on my breathing, making sure I wasn't going to do one of those head bob, snorting...haha.  You laugh, but I am sure you all have done it sometime in your life, and if you haven't then you will someday when you least expect it and man! is it embarrassing.  But...that did not happen today, but very close. whew!

It wasn't until after the break was there a discussion that involved staff participation.  I was so concerned and occupied with try to focus on staying awake, that I totally missed the whole conversation leading up to the part I was to contribute.  So to remind you, I was sitting across from the Big Bossman, and when my name came up to give my opinion what do you think I did????

That's right!  I froze.  With all eyes on me, all that came out of my mouth was a big fat NOTHING!  I was like a deer caught in the headlights.  I said I couldn't come up with anything.  Right in front of the director.

good thing my supervisor was away, I surely would have been more embarrassed not for myself but for being one of her staff who appeared to know nothing!!

Egad!

Double OMG!

So I was watching "Toddlers and Tiaras" today and there is a mother dressing up a 4 year old in a Dolly Parton outfit....with all Dolly's parts!!! Big fake Boobs and a Big fake A#%!!!!!

Wow!

What is this mother thinking??

Then again, what am I thinking watching this show?? What can I say? I am a sucker for reality.  And I make no apologies for what I like.

OMG!

So here I sit once again at Starbucks.

I have been absent for a few days, do to a lack of inspiration.

Well I am inspired today.  I am freaking out about having my last session with a therapist I have been seeing since April.  She was there for me at my worst, when I thought that the dark clouds would never clear up.  She was there when I had doubts about the prospect of becoming a first time parent.  She was there when I spilled my guts about pretty much every thing else.

I never thought that I would have such a strong therapeutic relationship with anyone, and trust me when I say I have been to many in my lifetime.  And especially since it has only been for 5 months.  5MONTHS!!!

And now; today, am faced with saying good-bye to her as she is going on maternity leave.  It is my plan to return to see her upon her return, but she will have been gone a month longer than I have known her, and starting with a new therapist next week has me wondering if I will actually go back to her in the end.

So how do I say good-bye when I am not sure it is good-bye for good?

O.M.G!!

I suppose I should feel lucky that we (Torontonians) are not in the line of fire of Hurricane Irene.  All we are getting is a grey windy day out of her.  

So my thoughts and prayers go out to those who are affected by her wrath.  

What a beautiful morning.  The fog that rolled in last night still hanging about, but with the sun slowly making its appearance the fog dissipates. 

I am up early to start work early, a stop at my fave coffee shop and a brief chat with a good friend and my day is looking like it is going to be a good one.  Lets hope folks that something or someone does not ruin it for me.  What are the chances?

So my co worker just said...."On a good day you look 29-30yrs old"....meaning the rest of the time I look like an old hag??!??  Thanks Big Mikey! 

To put things into perspective....we were just having a conversation about how some people are fortunate enough to look much younger than they really are.  Both B.M and I are those who are lucky to look much younger than our birth certificates says.  I asked him quite cautiously...just how old are you?  Forty something!!! whoa, I would have said mid 30's.  And then he said the above...what do you say to that?  But I can't stay mad at B.M for long as he always makes me laugh and now I know the truth and I can hold it over his head someday when I need a good....ZING!

Ta Ta for now....

I really dislike grey, cloud filled skies, not a fan so much of the windy gusts that play havoc with my hairstyles of the day.  It is quite Depressing...not a good combo for those suffering from Depression. 

Looking out my window at work I see countless, nameless, people walking with forlorn expressions and I can't help but think about what they are thinking about. 

Are they thinking about the events of the night before, the workday of yesterday and what needs to get done before they can enjoy the weekend, or are they thinking about the exam they are heading to, hoping that the 12 hr cramming they just completed is going to be enough.

BRB! 

So how did you fare last night?
 The light show was fantastic...ON T.V!!  Not from my couch listening to the very loud crash, boom, crack!! just for those who may be reading this and not know what I am referring too, Toronto had a severe thunderstorm warnings, and were on Tornado watch for several hours last night.  And wasn't it exciting!  I was the picture of CALMNESS.....ok not really but HEY, can I help it if I had several near misses with extreme weather in my childhood?  Just the thought of it gives me chills. 

OK,  So here I sit at work, the boss is gone for the day, and I do not feel like entering stats, nor do I feel like working on the resident Newsletter for September either.  I wish I could just go home, who would know?? I work alone, and other than the residents; they are so caught up in their own stuff right now, I wouldn't really be missed.  If only I wasn't so damn responsible and have a tonne of work ethics that I can't do that, even though I really Really REALLY want to!!
S.B is off to WW, and I wish I was with her.  I know she is in need of "kitchen Huggin's"
and in just a few more hours and I can give her all the huggin's she needs.  It's hard to know that someone you love is hurting but you are helpless because of having other commitments...earlier today she called to tell me a cousin of hers was found dead in his apartment.  Wow, what do you say when you hear something like that??

I don't even remember what I said to her, I hope that it was not dumb cuz I tend say dumb things when I am in my own head dealing with my own crap...and trust me it is pure CRAPOLA!

So here I sit, watching the clock go from minute to minute, just wishing for a time warp to travel through and then I can break from here! 

....until next time,
 "G'night Mrs. Calabush wherever you are" - Jimmy Durante

So, not sure if it is out of pure laziness or what, but I have decided to write at home today.  I would have preferred to be at a Starbuck, but I am not into sitting in the crowded "third place" today, not entirely sure why, except I am feeling a tad "crunchy" as my S.B likes to call how I am feeling.  I think I prefer to call it "Not in a head space to deal with F@*$ed up and S#@*%^ people" frame of mind.

Yup.  Thats me today.

So, I had a Dr's Appt today, she say's my iron level is at a level that had it been 30 years ago, she would have me have a blood transfusion....whew....(brow wiping) dodged a bullet there!!...S.B says my mouth opened wider than she ever thought possible...I find that hard to believe.  And  S.B would know I suppose.

Anyway, thankfully all I need is a weekly needle in the A*$ to hopefully bring the level up to "normal parameters" as DATA would say.  DATA was the android in Star Trek TNG for those who don't know who this Data is.

Next on the "To Do List" is HAIRCUTS!.....Faux Hawk #2, to see a tattooed, pierced, bleach blond skunk doo girl named Tiffany!  Who by the way is super hot!....at creating haircuts....ya that's what I mean S.B!  hehe.

Done and Done, when I figure out how to upload a pic i will post one.  But for now my profile pic is pretty damn close...lol

Next stop, Lunch!  only to get stopped on Church St. by a fist fight between a Uniform delivery guy and a not so very nicely dressed Trans-person.  All of a sudden, who pops out from in-between them? but a very tiny woman, who is desperately trying to stop them.  It occurred to me that looks very much like a co-worker of mine....wait a minute!! it IS!  Now my dilemma is do i go help stop the fighting just to stop the fighting or do I try to stop it so my teeny tiny co-worker doesn't get hurt...but by the time I had decided a police car and two officers jumped out.  Whew!  Thankfully S. was not hurt.  So off we went to the Churchmouse, where I ate an enormous Cheddar Bacon Hamburger! yum!

Then to my favorite Starbucks location for my...oh wait!  the wonderful baristas already have it started with three people ahead of me, just by seeing my face and very very cute new haircut, they are simply the best in the city!

Now I am in-between having a panic attack one second and listening to Celine sing her heart out (and loving it)...but shhh don't tell anyone, and smelling the freshness coming from our houseguest, CoCo the Guinea Pig.  Ewww...I think it is S.B's turn.  Yup I do:)

Until next time in the words of Spock..(a character from the original Star Trek....wink wink)

Live Long and Prosper people! dammit!...ok okay I added the last little bit.  :)

Wow! two blogs in one day, who knew? is that even allowed?

So for the past few months I have been sitting in various Starbucks transcribing, writing and just plain wasting time.  An old friend said I should start a blog, I immediately said "what would I blog about?"  Which she replied, "you could visit all of the bux and document the location's computer friendliness and post it in a blog"


so here I am at yet another Starbucks.  My third of the day.  I can say the first one was fab, as it is the one I go to when I am going to work, I am in love with the baristas....who knew I would become a regular?? Years of working behind the counter I really get the customers point of view now.  I loves it when I don't even have to tell them what I want...they just know!  HyoJean! your team is the best!  The second was in a Chapters, with NO outlets for my laptop, so not impressed! and finally the third one, and I must say this is the one I have been frequenting a lot lately.  I like the feel of the atmosphere, not so cookie cutter as I find some locations to be...I can really see that the company is moving away from the same ole same.  Whoohoo!  


So I sit.  I pull out my laptop, plug in my earphones and begin to write, transcribe, email, blog (a new thing) and drink coffee.  How can life get any better??? It is amazing how much I get done, how much I write, I write like a writing fool.  I guess Writers Block is no more!


write on!

alaCA'ZAm!

So here I am blogging.  


Who would have thought that I would have something to say.  Truth is I have a lot to say, I just never had an audience before.  Well okay that isn't entirely true either.  I've had a lot of people throughout my life listening to my drivel, a lot of people with their own perspectives and opinions about my life and how I should improve it or make a change or for whatever the reason, do and be something that I ought to be when I decide I need a change.    


So here goes it.  


When I think about blogging I think about computer people who know a lot more than I know, and who think that there may be people out there in cyber space who are actually interested in what they or anyone has to say about  the various topics that they write about.  I don't have one specific topic to talk or write about, just things about me in general and how I have made lemons into lemonade, how I see life now and how events in my past has shaped me into what and who I am today.


 The Good, the Bad and Everything In Between!