So here I sit at work once again. Waiting for something to happen, anything to happen, anything at all. But it is all quiet, no one is in crisis, no one needs help with cooking (not that I would be much help in that department) no one needs me. So I sit. Sit and wait.
Had a bit of a melt down the other day. I am so sick and tired of nothing working out. I feel like just when good stuff is within reach something comes along and blocks me from getting my hands on it. Dammit! Don't you just want to yell sometimes? Scream out all the crap that is your life? Well I would if I was that kind of person, but I am not. I am more of an introvert.
INTROVERT?
I have been plagued with this my whole life, and I am sick of it. My head tells me it is going to be okay if I just step outside myself, but my heart beats so fast, my face gets hot and I retreat. Don't get me wrong though, I like company, I like hanging out with my friends like CG&CH and SC to name a few. But I feel like I am a guest at my own party. I sit back and watch, that is what I feel most comfortable doing, a part of the group but an outsider when it comes to feeling like I am a PART of the group. I think my friends sense that, as they try to get me into join in the conversation a lot of the time, but my heart starts to race and I feel like all eyes are on me to say something spectacular but nothing interesting comes out instead and the conversation moves on to something else.
I don't blame anyone for excluding me from anything, because the invites still come in, but for how long?
OK so enough of the pity party, things in the baby making is not running as smoothly as hoped. We just found out that SB has a cyst 3cm in diameter and we now have to put everything on hold for another month! SB found out this past Sunday and where was I??? I was at work and not with the most important person in my life, I feel guilty that I wasn't there to give her the hug and support that should have happened. How do you say what you want over the phone without it sounding like a Hallmark Card??? How can you wipe away the tears and hug the emotion out? I haven't mastered that yet, I am sure this will not be the last time something like this happens.
Who knows?
Until next time....
I am 100% sure that SB knew that you had to work. I am sure that she appreciates that you have an incredibly important and challenging job supporting people who NEED you. I also know that she felt completely supported by you when she called you, AND, that if she really needed to have a hug right then and there she would have driven to your work and you would have hugged her tightly.
ReplyDeleteyou are an introvert. yes, this is true. but you also have a lot of thoughts in your head and when you share them, people listen. it's scary to speak your mind. but if you don't share things, you'll either implode or explode - neither of those will feel very good.
I know for a fact that SB loves you more than anything in the world and that you and SB are going to be incredible parents because your child will be wanted, and loved, and treasured.
Hang in there.
xoxo