So....

It is 8am on a Saturday morning and I wish I was anywhere but here at work.  But I here I sit just waiting for the few familiar faces I see every Saturday.  It isn't that I don't like my job, I just wish sometimes it was a bit more challenging.  However, for the next 6 months I will be back in school!

Yup!  Work is sending me to school to get my PSW - personal support worker for those who don't know what that is. 

SO look out! I may be the person who has to change your diaper in the near future. pssst...don't tell my agency or school that I will do all I can to avoid that job.  But I guess someone has to have that job, I just am going to try not to.

later......

So here is my rant for the day.

I really hate cyclists who think they are pedestrians.

I mean you can't have it both ways bikers! You can't demand the city to keep certain bike lanes and then NOT follow the rules of the road! Running a red light just cuz you can is wrong. If you bitch about the traffic safety of downtown then follow the signs and lights! I can't say I don't blame YOU for your accidents if you can't be cautious and obey just like your fellow wheels. Don't get me wrong. I am all about the bike and the "save the planet" by not creating more smog and pollution, but like I said bikers need to stop demanding more bike lanes if they don't even use the ones that HAVE been made available to them. Stop putting the blame on the cars and pedestrians, and start taking more responsibility for your actions, for your carelessness!

Be careful out there!

PS. Do not get me started on those adults who think they are keeping yoyr kids safe by putting helmets on them. Good for you, but my GOD put one on your self! No one wants to be responsible for making the child an orphan!!!

So here I sit at work once again.  Waiting for something to happen, anything to happen, anything at all.  But it is all quiet, no one is in crisis, no one needs help with cooking (not that I would be much help in that department) no one needs me.  So I sit. Sit and wait.

Had a bit of a melt down the other day.  I am so sick and tired of nothing working out.  I feel like just when good stuff is within reach something comes along and blocks me from getting my hands on it.  Dammit!  Don't you just want to yell sometimes?  Scream out all the crap that is your life?  Well I would if I was that kind of person, but I am not.  I am more of an introvert.

INTROVERT? 

I have been plagued with this my whole life, and I am sick of it.  My head tells me it is going to be okay if I just step outside myself, but my heart beats so fast, my face gets hot and I retreat.  Don't get me wrong though, I like company, I like hanging out with my friends like CG&CH and SC to name a few.  But I feel like I am a guest at my own party.  I sit back and watch, that is what I feel most comfortable doing, a part of the group but an outsider when it comes to feeling like I am a PART of the group.  I think my friends sense that, as they try to get me into join in the conversation a lot of the time, but my heart starts to race and I feel like all eyes are on me to say something spectacular but nothing interesting comes out instead and the conversation moves on to something else. 

I don't blame anyone for excluding me from anything, because the invites still come in, but for how long?

OK so enough of the pity party, things in the baby making is not running as smoothly as hoped.  We just found out that SB has a cyst 3cm in diameter and we now have to put everything on hold for another month!  SB found out this past Sunday and where was I??? I was at work and not with the most important person in my life, I feel guilty that I wasn't there to give her the hug and support that should have happened.  How do you say what you want over the phone without it sounding like a Hallmark Card??? How can you wipe away the tears and hug the emotion out?  I haven't mastered that yet, I am sure this will not be the last time something like this happens. 

Who knows?

Until next time....

So I had a thought or two after my last post and decided to add another.

So I had my second session with "flipper" so nicknamed by BV.  I am having my doubts about her and her methods.

I want to give her a chance, a chance to help me through my issues, but am having a hard time understanding what she wants me to tell her.

So heres the thing.  She is very body focussed, she says that the body gives us signals that tell us how we deal with certain issues, with everything really.  She would like me to get in touch with those feelings and when I do, we can deal with issues knowing how my body reacts and work around them.  It makes sense, sort of, and I am willing to try but I have become very self conscious of how I act or react to her.  Like is she looking for or watching for signs that she can interpret as me being uncomfortable or whatever?  I don't know how I feel about this recognizing the signs my body makes.  I would much prefer to hide behind a facade and or not be noticed at all.  So I sit and wonder if I can continue with this woman.

I picked her out of the half a dozen others I interviewed to take the place of YH in her absence, and now I am wondering if I made the right choice.  T seems like I should have gone with her, she after all was my second choice.  Now I am conflicted.

what to do? what to do? hmmm

So I am now officially a student again!! whoohoo.  And now the nerves and anxiety sets in.

Ok.  Deep breath in deep breath out....

Registering for the program was the easy part, its is all the reading, writing, listening to lectures that is gonna kick me in the pants.  I am hoping though, doing this program with a co-worker is going to make it a bit easier, and not so stressful.

I am sitting in my; yes I said my, fave Starbucks trying to blog,  but every baby, stroller, buggy, etc etc that comes in is a major distraction.  SB and I are on our second cycle in trying to get pregnant.  And although I am excited I am well aware of the disappointments that may come as a result.  SB tells me that DRP gave her a higher dose of Clomid, so we could be looking at having 12! 12 babies...ahhh.

Ok not really, we are responsible people and we would check into our options be it reduction or to skip this month and wait for next month.  But being aware that reduction could lead to no pregnancies is a scary thought too.  So we wait.

But I definately am looking, watching and taking notes on various things all baby.  Just waiting somewhat patiently for when we are new parents.

until next time....I sign off

It has been a few days since my last blog, and a lot has been going on in my life since then.

So SB and I found out that our pregger test was a big fat Negative! last Wed.   I played the part of the strong support, and I played all cool and positive that this time just wasn't the right time and that lil'Coco had other plans.  But in the inside I was just as disappointed as SB.  And I too went to town with the junk food fest and man, did I dearly pay for it for the next few days.  Being Diabetic it probably wasn't such a good idea to have those huge Slurpees and glazed donuts!  And although the Big Crunch from KFC was delish, I don't know if I knew at the time I would see it again later that day, and I don't know if any of you can relate to the feeling of satisfaction and a sugary high, only to rush off to the W/C shortly after consuming all that goodness.  Well all I can say is YUCK!  I have told myself that I will not and I mean NOT! do this again, even if our next test comes up negatory, perhaps a nice big leafy chunky salad will do???

I found out yesterday that I have been approved for funding for school and am to register today with a colleague!  Whoohoo!  I know that I am stressed about going back to school, but this time is different.  My work is paying! so no student loan to worry about.  Yay!  I just hope that they don't make me sign some contract that makes me stay with the agency for a year or ten!  Cuz, not only are they paying for it and all the books and such, they are paying for my time as well, which means I get PAID to go to school!! Yay me!  Now if I can stop stressing all will be good.

Tonight is the second rehearsal for the choir I belong to, and I am having mixed feelings about it.  A part of me, really missed it for the session I took off, but another part was so glad not to have to be a part of something that made me so miserable.  I certainly love seeing all my friends and eating at OUR place around the block before rehearsal, but I don't miss all the politics and crap that goes on.  Thankfully though, I am no longer on the Board of Directors anymore and maybe I can relax again and just be little ole' me hiding in the alto section, pretending to be singing and enjoying it once again!

I miss YH.  Is it February yet???

'til next time....in the words of a great lady(lol) Good day and "BE GOOD TO ONE ANOTHER" 

The New Girl

So I had my first real session with the new therapist this morning.

Impression?  She was ok.  I am going to find it really hard not to compare her to Y.H though, but that is expected, right??.  Really hard.

I think I can work with her, I just have to get used to her first, and how she works.

 I must say though, I have never been to see a therapist who used flip charts to describe the way the brain works....I was a bit put off by it at first.  But as she explained more about what it all meant and how she incorporates it into her method of therapy the more...... confused I got.  LOL!

But not really.

I have a sense of why the visual was useful.  As I am a very visual person, and seeing her method rather than J.O telling me in her words I KNOW that I would have been lost otherwise.  And then my first impression may have been a lot different.

So there we are sitting in her nicely decorated but cramped office with probably 3 feet between us, her slightly off to the right; I think because at our first meeting I mentioned my need for personal space and my quirk about eye contact.  Anyway, we chatted briefly about what is going on in my life right now, and what Y.H and I were talking about.  And then out came the flip chart.  Oh, and the first of the many check ins.  Checking in as to how I am feeling about being there, how I feel about the process, the flip chart and at least a half a dozen more.  I mean I like that she does that, the whole check in thing, but really? We only have an hour! and not really, 50 mins. once we settle in.

So back to the flip chart.  I suppose she just wanted to get a sense of how I deal with "Trauma" in general???  Interesting but really? she needs a FLIPPING flip chart???.  Anyway, from what I understand she wants to find out how I deal with certain things and how my body reacts to these things, and after knowing the signals, to use that knowledge to deal with the issue???? I think.  Does that make sense?  I suppose if I really think about it, it does.  Just a different way of thinking about my issues and my reactions to them.

Anyway, I left her office feeling not as uncertain about this new therapist and her methods.

And I interestingly and oddly find myself looking forward to our next session.

Note to self.....

Have you ever been in a staff meeting and you were trying with all your might not to fall asleep?

Well that was me today!  And what was worse was that I chose the seat right in front of the director of the agency!  Doh!

I had a super huge cup of Timmies (which I must say was totally gross) and the caffeine in the coffee had to be about a third of what I am used to.  As you all know I am a Starbucks snob.  And very proud too.

Anywhoo, I am darting my eyes all over the room trying to keep them open, I must have looked like a crazed fool if anyone was watching me.  I was listening not to the speaker, but concentrating very hard on my breathing, making sure I wasn't going to do one of those head bob, snorting...haha.  You laugh, but I am sure you all have done it sometime in your life, and if you haven't then you will someday when you least expect it and man! is it embarrassing.  But...that did not happen today, but very close. whew!

It wasn't until after the break was there a discussion that involved staff participation.  I was so concerned and occupied with try to focus on staying awake, that I totally missed the whole conversation leading up to the part I was to contribute.  So to remind you, I was sitting across from the Big Bossman, and when my name came up to give my opinion what do you think I did????

That's right!  I froze.  With all eyes on me, all that came out of my mouth was a big fat NOTHING!  I was like a deer caught in the headlights.  I said I couldn't come up with anything.  Right in front of the director.

good thing my supervisor was away, I surely would have been more embarrassed not for myself but for being one of her staff who appeared to know nothing!!

Egad!

Double OMG!

So I was watching "Toddlers and Tiaras" today and there is a mother dressing up a 4 year old in a Dolly Parton outfit....with all Dolly's parts!!! Big fake Boobs and a Big fake A#%!!!!!

Wow!

What is this mother thinking??

Then again, what am I thinking watching this show?? What can I say? I am a sucker for reality.  And I make no apologies for what I like.