Get ready for it!  

A Rant!

I am so sick of things in my life repeating over and over!  wHY can't things ever get any easier.  

I'll tell you, when you are born you are suppose to get unconditional love and care (because you can't do anything more than rely on others to do it for you)....that can go on until you are old enough to make up your own mind!  

Some say the terrible twos are when thoughts and emotions are formed enough that make you who you will become some day....I dont know about that...something to think about,  

            hmmm 🎶🎶🎶things that make you go hmmm🎶🎶🎶a tune in my head that has been swimming in my stuffed to the gills head

Later, you hear constantly...do this, dont do that, don't touch that, do what youre told or you'll get hurt,  blah blah blah!!  You hear these commands, but you need, and I mean NEED, to know and find out for sure the stove top is actually hot, for your self! 

...whats my point again? Lol. Got side tracked by BM ( no not BM BM) my friend B M from BGC! people.

Any way,  later still you go to school and have more restrictions, more accountability, more stress, and even more people telling you what, how and who you should be.  

A constant turn of events on repeat..repeating over and over,  when does it stop?  When will life just be?  One bad thing over and over, good things do not seem to repeat themselves, well not often enough anyway.  

If I believed in the concept of reincarnation then perhaps I can get it right next time, until then, I am stuck in a revolving door.  

I'm baaaack!

Well it has been a long time!  I've thought many times about this old blog, time just got away from me.  Time, and the fact that I forgot my password did not help either...lol.

 Thanks BB for helping me remember!

For a while now I have been coming to one of my favorite Sbux before work to have ME time.  I have made it a part of my morning routine 4 dayz a week for months.  I love that I know I can go and sit in one of two tables every morning, sit and drink my latte, eat my bagel or sausage sandwich and play my words on Words with Friends or Farm....yes I said Farm. I am addicted to Hay Farm!  Yup. i can admit it, but it relaxes me, gives me time to think of nothing else but growing and collecting coins...lol

My dayz at work tend to be challenging with many client issues, homelessness, mental health issues, physical issues, and addiction issues, so taking 45 mins. to an hour FOUR dayz a week for "me time" has helped me get through some tough days.  

This particular Sbux I like because most if not all the baristas know my name now and have on occasion asked if I was ok when I did not make it one day...a little sad to think that that inquiry can make someones day but it truly can!  So thanks!  

I never thought I would become on of THOSE customers! In my 8 years as a barista at Sbux myself I never once thought that one day I would walk into a store and have THEM know my name, know MY drink! 

          It kind of makes one feel special, if only it lasts for a moment, what may seem like an awful day                               ahead, can be just enough to see your way through....to lunch at least :)

Til next time...have a Sbux kind of day!

C

So....

It is 8am on a Saturday morning and I wish I was anywhere but here at work.  But I here I sit just waiting for the few familiar faces I see every Saturday.  It isn't that I don't like my job, I just wish sometimes it was a bit more challenging.  However, for the next 6 months I will be back in school!

Yup!  Work is sending me to school to get my PSW - personal support worker for those who don't know what that is. 

SO look out! I may be the person who has to change your diaper in the near future. pssst...don't tell my agency or school that I will do all I can to avoid that job.  But I guess someone has to have that job, I just am going to try not to.

later......

So here is my rant for the day.

I really hate cyclists who think they are pedestrians.

I mean you can't have it both ways bikers! You can't demand the city to keep certain bike lanes and then NOT follow the rules of the road! Running a red light just cuz you can is wrong. If you bitch about the traffic safety of downtown then follow the signs and lights! I can't say I don't blame YOU for your accidents if you can't be cautious and obey just like your fellow wheels. Don't get me wrong. I am all about the bike and the "save the planet" by not creating more smog and pollution, but like I said bikers need to stop demanding more bike lanes if they don't even use the ones that HAVE been made available to them. Stop putting the blame on the cars and pedestrians, and start taking more responsibility for your actions, for your carelessness!

Be careful out there!

PS. Do not get me started on those adults who think they are keeping yoyr kids safe by putting helmets on them. Good for you, but my GOD put one on your self! No one wants to be responsible for making the child an orphan!!!

So here I sit at work once again.  Waiting for something to happen, anything to happen, anything at all.  But it is all quiet, no one is in crisis, no one needs help with cooking (not that I would be much help in that department) no one needs me.  So I sit. Sit and wait.

Had a bit of a melt down the other day.  I am so sick and tired of nothing working out.  I feel like just when good stuff is within reach something comes along and blocks me from getting my hands on it.  Dammit!  Don't you just want to yell sometimes?  Scream out all the crap that is your life?  Well I would if I was that kind of person, but I am not.  I am more of an introvert.

INTROVERT? 

I have been plagued with this my whole life, and I am sick of it.  My head tells me it is going to be okay if I just step outside myself, but my heart beats so fast, my face gets hot and I retreat.  Don't get me wrong though, I like company, I like hanging out with my friends like CG&CH and SC to name a few.  But I feel like I am a guest at my own party.  I sit back and watch, that is what I feel most comfortable doing, a part of the group but an outsider when it comes to feeling like I am a PART of the group.  I think my friends sense that, as they try to get me into join in the conversation a lot of the time, but my heart starts to race and I feel like all eyes are on me to say something spectacular but nothing interesting comes out instead and the conversation moves on to something else. 

I don't blame anyone for excluding me from anything, because the invites still come in, but for how long?

OK so enough of the pity party, things in the baby making is not running as smoothly as hoped.  We just found out that SB has a cyst 3cm in diameter and we now have to put everything on hold for another month!  SB found out this past Sunday and where was I??? I was at work and not with the most important person in my life, I feel guilty that I wasn't there to give her the hug and support that should have happened.  How do you say what you want over the phone without it sounding like a Hallmark Card??? How can you wipe away the tears and hug the emotion out?  I haven't mastered that yet, I am sure this will not be the last time something like this happens. 

Who knows?

Until next time....

So I had a thought or two after my last post and decided to add another.

So I had my second session with "flipper" so nicknamed by BV.  I am having my doubts about her and her methods.

I want to give her a chance, a chance to help me through my issues, but am having a hard time understanding what she wants me to tell her.

So heres the thing.  She is very body focussed, she says that the body gives us signals that tell us how we deal with certain issues, with everything really.  She would like me to get in touch with those feelings and when I do, we can deal with issues knowing how my body reacts and work around them.  It makes sense, sort of, and I am willing to try but I have become very self conscious of how I act or react to her.  Like is she looking for or watching for signs that she can interpret as me being uncomfortable or whatever?  I don't know how I feel about this recognizing the signs my body makes.  I would much prefer to hide behind a facade and or not be noticed at all.  So I sit and wonder if I can continue with this woman.

I picked her out of the half a dozen others I interviewed to take the place of YH in her absence, and now I am wondering if I made the right choice.  T seems like I should have gone with her, she after all was my second choice.  Now I am conflicted.

what to do? what to do? hmmm

So I am now officially a student again!! whoohoo.  And now the nerves and anxiety sets in.

Ok.  Deep breath in deep breath out....

Registering for the program was the easy part, its is all the reading, writing, listening to lectures that is gonna kick me in the pants.  I am hoping though, doing this program with a co-worker is going to make it a bit easier, and not so stressful.

I am sitting in my; yes I said my, fave Starbucks trying to blog,  but every baby, stroller, buggy, etc etc that comes in is a major distraction.  SB and I are on our second cycle in trying to get pregnant.  And although I am excited I am well aware of the disappointments that may come as a result.  SB tells me that DRP gave her a higher dose of Clomid, so we could be looking at having 12! 12 babies...ahhh.

Ok not really, we are responsible people and we would check into our options be it reduction or to skip this month and wait for next month.  But being aware that reduction could lead to no pregnancies is a scary thought too.  So we wait.

But I definately am looking, watching and taking notes on various things all baby.  Just waiting somewhat patiently for when we are new parents.

until next time....I sign off